Atonement

I have somehow needed to spin for almost the exact length of a relationship.

I have had to face my fears

I have had to learn some lessons at the cost of losing someone. We both had some big issues.

I wrote some angry things that real love would not write.

I don't want that to be about anger - so I forgive me and I forgive you.

Wow - that hurt.

Amen

Where Did You Go?

OK, I thought I found you and apparently not.

You have been elusive - I wait and then think we've met and we haven't.

I get lots of input from friends and family: don't try so hard, you're acting desperate, you should be more open minded, you're lucky you've met any guy at that age, you should be more discerning.

At 49, having tried many types of men, many paths that would lead me to you - each time I go through an emotional spin-out when I realize it was not you I found.

Not yet, that is.

I always find some hope that you are there. That the very next time I reach out I will find you.

Today I'm not really ready - still spinning a bit from this most recent attempt that didn't work out.

Have patience or get busy looking for me.

I'm here

Help - what now?

Break up got you crazy?

Yup

A new strong emotion every 5 minutes and I keep thinking of follow-up thoughts to our last words. Am I normal - please someone duct tape me to my chair.

How do you cope with this - we're just over 32 hours - WHAT, I'm not patient enough?

ok

What do you suggest? Long walks? Music? no Music?

so the peace doesn't settle in right away?

ok, I'll try a little longer

Terri recommends:

I get comments that people like things I buy (clothes, jewelry, household items) and so I'm going to give a shout out to a few sites I love:

hand made items - household as well as clothing:
http://www.etsy.com/

moderate to expensive but stunning items in cashmere and such:
www.whiteandwarren.com

organic and must have t-shirt wear
www.alternativeapparel.com

tie-dye items
www.sunshinejoy.com

earth and human friendly skin care
www.gardenbotanika.com

I have also found fantastic shopping in airports - on my top 3 is Utah, Salt Lake City, Phoenix, AZ and San Francisco International (particularly the United & International terminals. Oh yeah - must give a shout out for London Heathrow

thats it for now - happy shopping

Faith in Fact

In church on Sunday - a member from the congregation gave a talk about exercising faith every day. This is a young husband and father - he served a church mission and daily practices his faith in God, in his religion and the teachings our Christian branch follows. Much of what he said was scripture based, or focused on a church leader who is our mouthpiece for Christ - I was not so engaged until he drew a parallel between our scriptures and an experiment he did. In Christian scriptures - a worthy prophet has a very close daily relationship with the Lord and is guided how to speak, act and mobilize for himself, his family and the people who follow him. He and the people are guided and protected so long as they follow the teachings of the Lord. Often - under dire circumstances (think Abraham or Moses or Noah) - and the people are blessed and preserved. In parallel, the Prophet writes down what he felt were inspired words or acts - which we modern people know these as historic scriptures. Modern prophets can speak freely via many communications channels. This guy who spoke said he practiced this himself for the 2 weeks prior to giving his talk - each day upon rising before his family, he prayed for specific guidance for that day - and took it upon faith - he assumed - that everything he did, thought and felt was guidance from the Lord. He wrote down everything and followed the teachings he was (and had always been) given. His life changed. His family's life has changed as they all practice this. What if you did that? Wake and pray (think, meditate) for guidance and wisdom to endure and follow as you are instructed to do. Assume everything you feel and say and do is an inspiration. What a feeling to be guided (not told) how to engage for the day to get the most out of it and give the most you can. I'm trying it this week - and I'm finding this faith exercise factual. Have you ever done anything like this? Its quite empowering. If you're not much into religion or spirituality - use positive thinking and affirmations.

Victory

I can't remember if I've ever been so glued to the Olympics as this time around - twenty ten. I love watching athletes from around the world compete together. I am an American and I do enjoy learning team USA has succeeded in winning a medal. Still, I can't help but be excited for any young athlete from any country who has just beat out all the other contestants with their physical & mental ability under pressure. The Japanese men's figure skating team got my attention this year. They are small men - determined. All 3 of them made mistakes - which can happen under such pressure, extreme practicing - and with our human nerves. Still - they had me standing up and cheering at their honor and dedication. One of them had his bootlace break near the end - and he was determined to finish. Each of them had such strong personal style and artistry. Takahashi (photo) took the bronze and I'm sure we will continue to see him and his team mates in future years. Everyone did their best. Several who attempted the virtuous quadruple fell - but they tried. I enjoyed watching each of them try. We've seen Plushenko several times in the last 10 or so years (those who follow world competitions for such events). He is a talented and capable athlete. Too bad he chose the low road with a mind trip after the short program and sour grapes after meriting only a silver after the long program. He did land the quad early on - he was less stable on all other landings and the rest of his loops were few and far between. He is less agile on his sit spins. He did well. I enjoyed everything about Evan's performance - his smile - that he landed each triple and double solidly. He is agile and graceful and artistic. It was a great clean performance and he was just slightly better all around than Plushenko. Not because he was an American - but just because. Plushenko chose to openly grumble about his false truth that only with a quad is a gold medal justified. Did he look at the side by side scores awarded by the judges? Are the judges mistaken ? ;-) Truth be told - I thought the handsome guy from Switzerland was going to do it. But he fell a couple of times and lost his steam about half way through. I felt bad for him. Takahashi fell - but he still got the bronze and did an exceptional job of continuing his performance. While Johnny Weir may be eccentric in his dress and mannerisms - I thoroughly enjoy watching him skate. He has a ton of style and puts his all into his skate. He's a winner in my book for being true to himself and putting himself out there. Victory can be a display of true perfection OR a display of determination and integrity. Who decides when you have won or lost?

Good Advice

In my 49 years, I come to know about stories where very public affairs altered lives, hurt feelings, ruined careers and reputations.

As a young woman - I was not always as careful as I might have been which was partly fear and partly naivety.

It may be by the grace of God that mostly - when a couple gets together either in or out of wedlock, planned or unplanned - a life is not created. I remember reading that even on a very good day and in the very best of circumstances - human conception is something like 25% successful or something like that. As a Christian - I think that one of the best supporting arguments for sex AFTER marriage is that human conception is a blessing and responsibility of marriage. I value human life and even children born of scandal can find a better identity than some of the unpleasant labels we have for them. We're humans - no one takes a test before being allowed to have sex and possibly become a parent.

Just reading the ugly story of Senator John Edwards and he is not the first public figure to fall from grace because of an affair. When I read the account of Andrew Young's now public knowledge of the John Edwards affair - I cringe when I read, "according to Mr Edwards, his mistress was unable to bear children."

Hey, they beat the odds!

How powerful are 3 little words - use a condom.