Daddy Issues - 2016

Here's how we go:

I think about putting up some shelves in my bathroom to store some things out of the way.  I think about what I want to store, the kind of materials I should use and immediately think "dad".  I do run through in my mind our history of problems where we are going to work together and somehow we got derailed by your thinking, and my thinking.

I don't ask you to do it, I ask for your help.

Somehow that means we are going to do it your way which clashes with my way.

In your house, you do what you want and don't like others telling you what to do, when to do it, or how to do it but in my house, I dont get the same courtesy.

I asked you to make some shelves, yea wide by yea, deep.  I didn't tell you how and I didn't pressure you to do it quickly.  I trusted you would do it as you see fit.

You thought you heard me say that I would call you to come over and DO the shelves for me but that is not what I have asked.  But you did tell me you had some toggles that would work but you wont give them to me - you will only do it the way you want when you want.

And there is the classic " you do what you want, you're going to screw it up".

I am not going to allow you to tell me if something is screwed up.

Your comments are neither kind, teaching, helpful, useful or fair.

That's what a daughter needs to hear from her father - you'll figure it out and do fine.  

I need you to be the parent and let me fly.

Failures You NEED to Experience to Succeed

WRITTEN by MARC CHERNOFF from MarC & Angel Hacklife, marcandangel.com

Excerpt:
I fail far more than you might assume, especially given the fact that I’ve written hundreds of articles, coached thousands of people, and even written a book on forming productive habits, being mindful, and finding contentment despite our struggles.  I fail at all of those things sometimes, and it feels just as dreadful for me as it does for anybody else.

I come down hard on myself, feel guilty, try to avoid thinking about it, and would rather hide my failures from everyone I know.

Yes, failing hurts!  And yet, I brush myself off, get back up and try again.

More than anything else, here’s what you need to be willing to fail at to succeed in life:

1.  You have to be willing to fail at the original plan.

Life is full of screw-ups.  You’re supposed to fail sometimes.  It’s a required part of the human learning process.

I’ve learned that a more flexible, open mindset is what’s required.  When you are rigidly attempting to carry out a plan or reach a dream, and things don’t go exactly as planned, then you feel like a failure and every bit of positive action from that point forward gets derailed.  But if you have a more flexible and open mindset, and instead think, “This may not go as planned, but that’s OK because plans can change,” then it’s not a catastrophe when you realize you need to slow down, pivot or switch paths.

There’s no single path in life that you have to stay on to be successful and happy.  Success and happiness comes with noticing the progress you’ve made, and understanding that every lesson is a step forward.

2.  You have to be willing to fail at feeling completely confident and prepared.

For starters, extreme confidence is often just ignorance in disguise.  If you’re feeling super confident and cocky all the time, it’s likely because there’s something important you don’t know.

But the inverse of this equation can also be incredibly problematic – letting your lack of confidence stop you from learning and growing.  For instance, you may get so accustomed to the comforts of “I’m not good enough”, “I don’t want to” and “it’s too hard,” that you stop doing things for yourself and instead expect others to do everything for you.  And all this really means is you’re not achieving anything at all for yourself.  You’ve simply made yourself weak.

The key is to understand that you don’t need to be confident or feel fully prepared in order to make progress in life.  You simply have to befriend the possibility of failure and then step forward. Failing is learning, and learning is progress.

You want to know the difference between a master and a beginner?  The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried.  Behind every great invention, creation or work of art is a hundred failed attempts to make it, but these attempts are simply never shown to us.

Bottom line:  Success always begins with one step outside of your comfort zone.  When you’re feeling a little unconfident and struggling to make progress, that’s when you’re growing stronger and smarter.  The more time you spend there, the faster you learn.  It’s better to spend an extremely high quality ten minutes growing, than it is to spend a mediocre hour running in place.  You want to practice at the point where you are on the edge of your ability, stretching yourself over and over again, making mistakes, stumbling, learning from those mistakes and stretching yourself even farther.  (Read Drive.)

3.  You have to be willing to fail at fitting in and pleasing everyone.

The strongest and happiest among us are often the creative, daring ones who never go completely mad, even when everything gets crazy.  They aren’t so easily disheartened by the seemingly endless amounts of scrutiny that creative individuals tend to receive because they, like insanity itself, are the ones who feed off of opposition and negative feedback and manage to continue along with a healthy dose of ambition.  It’s the willingness to be different that teaches us to use our gifts wisely and own all the critics of the world, with smiles on our faces.

So remember, you don’t need everyone to like you and your creations.  You are like an artist with a gift.  Not everyone is going to see your beauty and talent.  Trust your intuition when it comes to working on what’s meaningful to you.  And know that trusting your intuition is equivalent to trusting your true self… and the more you trust your true self, the more control you have of making your biggest goals and wildest dreams come true, even when life’s inevitable changes and adversities get in your way.

4.  You have to be willing to fail at being OK all the time.

You can only grow by opening up fully to what you’re feeling.

Take any emotional feeling – love for a significant other, or grief over a lost family member, or fear and pain from a deadly illness.  If you hold back on your emotions and you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them, you can never get to the point of being detached from them.  But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to fully embrace them to the point where you’re effectively in over your head, you leave no emotion abandoned or question lingering in your mind.

You know what love is.  You know what grief is.  You know what fear is.  And only when you know these things can you say, “I’m OK again, and ready to move forward with my life.”  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Adversity” and “Self-Love” chapters of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

5.  You have to be willing to fail at doing it all by yourself.

Just because you don’t need to please everyone, doesn’t mean you have to go it alone all the time either.  There is a middle ground, and it’s OK to ask for help when you need it.

One of the biggest barriers to success and happiness is the significance we often place on the idea of “doing everything ourselves.”  Somehow as a society we have come to associate success with not needing any help from anyone.  Many of us are willing to offer a helping hand, but we’re hesitant to reach out for help when we truly need it.  Don’t do this to yourself.

For the last several years I’ve asked for help whenever I needed it, and doing so has made all the difference.  When I’m desperately struggling with something, I know I can either quit or I can figure out a smarter way.  But it’s not always easy to figure out a smarter way, so I reach out to Angel, close friends and family, mentors, peers who I respect, and I ask them for help.  They might not have all the answers either, but sometimes they do, and even when they don’t they still give me some necessary perspective.  Whatever happens, my family, friends, mentors and peers – my tribe members – never fail me.

Wellness - Secrets to Staying Healthy according to a nutritionist

by Lauren Berlingeri from mindbodygreen.com  2016-1-11

As a certified nutritionist, fitness expert, and international model. I have many health and wellness secrets up my sleeve to stay in top shape.

We’ve all heard the obvious ones that pertain to diet and exercise, but I’m about to share some that might surprise you. A few years ago, I was asked to star in a YouTube show called Woman vs. Workout, in which I participated in extreme athletic challenges from Navy SEAL training, motocross, FDNY training, and NASCAR racing, to name a few.

As you can imagine, the work was incredibly demanding. Not only did I have to push myself physically and mentally, I also had to look great while doing it. I found that diet and exercise alone was not enough to help me prepare for, and recover from, these challenges.

After the Navy SEALS training, it took two weeks for my nervous system to recover. I was breaking out from all the stress, and I needed to eat every few hours because I felt so depleted physically. I needed some solutions fast.

That's when I turned to these three healthy practices for an additional boost:

1. I reinvented my coffee habit.

I found that an average cup of coffee in the morning wasn't enough to keep me going through the challenges of the show. After reading about the benefits of Bulletproof Coffee and doing some experimenting of my own, I created a coffee recipe that turned me into a superhero. It's basically Bulletproof Coffee amped up a bit more! Here's what's in it:

Coffee + coconut oil + reishi mushrooms + turmeric + maca + cinnamon

What makes this recipe magic? For starters, the coconut oil boosts energy and speeds up my metabolism (as does the maca). Reishi helps prevent fatigue and supports cardiovascular health, while cinnamon helps regulate blood sugarand reduces cravings.

Finally, the turmeric boosts antioxidants and is anti-aging. So this coffee recipe basically makes you energized, skinnier, and younger! I drink it every morning now. I'm guessing if you try it, you'll become as addicted as I am.

2. I practice strategic sleep.

There's nothing worse than waking up feeling exhausted with a whole day of difficult tasks ahead. While filming Woman vs. Workout, I found myself tired at night, but too anxious to fall asleep, which meant I wasn't getting nearly enough rest to perform at my optimal level. It was time to take my sleep habits more seriously.

After trying many different methods of achieving better sleep, I found four variables that made a huge difference in the duration and quality of my shut-eye:

• Room noise
• Temperature
• Darkness
• Phone settings

While everyone is different, this is what worked for me: a sound machine, keeping the room temperature at 68 degrees, turning out all lights (and using thick curtains), and keeping my phone on airplane mode!

3. I started using an infrared sauna.

The last thing I discovered was an absolute game changer — the infrared sauna. I'd met a few influential doctors (including Frank Lipman, Mark Hyman, and Raleigh Duncan) who had told me about the wonders of the infrared sauna. So I decided to do some investigating on my own.

When I first read about the infrared sauna, I could hardly believe all the benefits. People boast about beneficial calorie burn, detoxification, skin purification, collagen production, reduction in cortisol, increase in serotonin, and muscle repair.

As soon as I tried the infrared sauna (which costs about $35 a session and can be found at wellness centers, like The Herban Alchemist in SoHo), I could feel all these benefits. It was like getting a massage, facial, and acupuncture all in one, and I was immediately hooked.

I credit infrared with helping me thrive while filming Woman vs. Workout,and I still use it to this day as my number one way to look and feel amazing. Full disclosure: I love it so much, I've started a movement to bring infrared to yoga and exercise classes through my company HigherDOSE (we install infrared heating systems in studios).

Implementing these practices meant better sleep and better performance in all areas of life. There's no doubt that proper diet and exercise are essential to a healthy lifestyle, but I recommend you try these three tricks to take your current routine to the next level. I promise you won’t regret it!

55 Reasons To Celebrate 55 Birthdays

Where have I been?  On another blog actually.  
Well, not even for some time now.

A week ago, I celebrated my 55th birthday and decided to come up with 55 reasons to celebrate turning 55 and here they are (less the fanfare of my Facebook page):




Reason #55 to celebrate 55 birthdays: attitude is everything... I can chose to be old or magnify my 55 years and carry on.
I think you know what I chose.

Reason #54 to celebrate 55 birthdays: FAILURE!!! and I've had my share - only means I haven't succeeded yet. Stay the course, evaluate the goal and my intention - learn the lesson - get back up and on my path.

Reason #53 to celebrate 55 birthdays: Truth / Facts. I love when someone (or something) presents the truth or facts and something other than the truth unravels and falls. What a golden moment that can be - and I have experienced it often when I avail myself to good information. As we head into this Presidential campaign I am especially poised to do some fact checking - and I hope that there will be some pillars of truth available.

Reason #52 to celebrate 55 birthdays: randomness! I tend to love order and plans and patterns and lists and schedules but I have learned to appreciate the random willy nilly in life and wow can it be fun.

Reason #51 to celebrate 55 birthdays: the kindness of strangers - people don't know you but quickly tear down the walls and set up as a friend. In the last week - I was asking complete strangers for a hug because it was my birthday and NO ONE turned me down. This is only one a recent example - I've enjoyed the kindness of strangers numerous times in my 55 years.

Reason #50 to celebrate 55 birthdays: diversity - what a joy it is to have in my life

Reason #49 to celebrate 55 birthdays: second chances (and third and fourth) we're humans and we need to be allowed to recover from our less than divine moments. I'm so glad people have given me another chance.

Reason #48 to celebrate 55 birthdays: YOU - I celebrate all of you who keep up this social media thing - inspire me, console me, help me, encourage me, and give me the opportunity to do the same for you. Take a look and share a smile.

Reason #47 to celebrate 55 birthdays: I celebrate everything I can still remember.

Reason #46 to celebrate 55 birthdays: science is magnificent and while I don't understand everything, I embrace the knowledge. I celebrate everything that has been added to the collection of science since my birth. For me, science is the study of what God created for us and the more we know about it - the more we understand His love for us.

Reason #45 to celebrate 55 birthdays: ability to change course. I said quitters never win but sometimes it makes sense to let go of the old and do something new and I've learned to be good at that. I have learned this people I admire most.

Reason #44 to celebrate 55 birthdays: by the time my birthday hits I've usually had about all the winter I care to have and I am counting down to the first day of Spring will be here and on my birthday there are ONLY 76 MORE DAYS till Spring and that's just over a month - I can do that. (and then I just countdown to Summer).  woo hoo

Reason #43 to celebrate 55 birthdays: yoga, how important it has been to my stressed out, type A-ish being. Here, Armando does proud cat pose a.k.a modified cobra pose or bhujangasana). Cats do yoga before and after any big energy draining effort...and I learn so much from them.  Namaste.

Reason #42 to celebrate 55 birthdays: improved ability to put the facts aside (temporarily) to give arbitrage and karma to work things out. 
How many times in my lifetime have I been in times of feast and times of famine - many. At 14 years old, I got up at 4 am to go get mom and dad gas during the 1970's gas "shortage". It happens - take a chill pill and see how things look later. Good advice from Dory, just keep swimming.

Reason #41 to celebrate 55 birthdays: charity - the more birthday's I have the more I see people - the ones we call good and the ones we call evil.... and I understand more about our struggle with one another. I have more charity and care more about more people than ever. I am less willing to rage against the machine and more willing to be part of a solution for people, animals and the earth.


Reason #40 to celebrate 55 birthdays: I embrace the goat. I'm not big on horoscopes or sun signs but I cannot deny people born at certain times of the year seem to show certain patterns of traits (if not behaviors) - and I am goat like. Strong-minded, singleness of purpose, and leadership rather than following.. also, good survival instincts.  Look in the Bible and we don't always have a positive light cast on us (but that could just be poor interpretation). As I said in an earlier reason to celebrate, I'm teachable. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Reason #39 to celebrate 55 birthdays: Faith! For 16 years now I have had a good relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I didn't think I was religious or spiritual for so long - but after opening the window just a crack.... it seems I am both.  Note: not perfect, just teachable...and filled with faith

Reason #38 to celebrate 55 birthdays: In my lifetime, I have seen so much progress in health and wellness. So much more information is available to people, more options. We know smoking is bad - no two ways of looking at it. Cancer is treated differently. Surgery is less invasive and we recover faster. More is known about alternative types of treatments in all parts of human health. It used to be if you had what we call "mental illness" you'd be sent to a facility. Now, we know that is mostly not the best answer. IMHO more respect is given to both Western and Eastern and alternative treatments.

On the flip side - everything is more expensive relative to our average wages. And not everyone knows how to use the information available.... but I'm grateful for the progress.

Reason #37 to celebrate 55 birthdays: music - and I must say, I love my era of music - the best classic rock, modern rock, soft rock, alternative rock, easy listening, R & B, soul, funk, punk, grunge....
Boston     Journey     Foreigner     Stones     Chicago     Eagles     Doors     Sting
Cool & The Gang      Earth Wind & Fire         Luther Vandross      
 anyone associated with MoTown
Jackson 5     Michael Jackson     Peaches & Herb     GQ     Van Halen     Led Zepplin
Aerosmith     Santana     Genesis     Pearl Jam     Genesis     U2
..... and all of the the individual artists who broke out on their own

I cannot name everyone (well, I could try) all but 70's - 90's
Thank you to the founding parents - blues, jazz, boogie woogie, & gospel for birthing such a great family of sounds that inspired so many
(1/10/16 - RIP to David Bowie who def fit into this category)

Reason #36 to celebrate 55 birthdays: best paint store...very patient as I too one year to pick out my exterior color. Thank you Gray's Paint / Benjamin Moore on Woodside Road and San Carlos Ave, Redwood City.

Reason #35 to celebrate 55 birthdays: best deli in my hood, Woodside Deli

Reason #34 to celebrate 55 birthdays: purple pansies

Reason #33 to celebrate 55 birthdays: cartwheels - I can still do them and not get dizzy.

Reason #32 to celebrate 55 birthdays: jump rope - I can still do it, 100 in one minute.

Reason #31 to celebrate 55 birthdays: stubborn, determined, unstoppable as ever (maybe worse). Auntie D asked if I was going to go all the way to 55 and um - of course. Quitters never win and winners never quit.

Reason #30 to celebrate 55 birthdays: cousins - Ferranti's, Adam's, Booras's, Flocks and Powell's, their spouses or partners and children, those here and those on the other side... yay for cousins.

Reason #29 to celebrate 55 birthdays: Mobius Fit, 2 blocks away, always encouraging and positive... they help do my tune-ups.

Reason #28 to celebrate 55 birthdays: the glass if half full

Reason #27 to celebrate 55 birthdays: I own a tiny piece of property in my home town in Silicon Valley!!! 27 years this March 9th. Oh man are we in a bubble.

Reason #26 to celebrate 55 birthdays: capable, I'm quite capable to take care of myself still. No need for a cane or drool nurse - but when I need them, you can bet I will get the best.

Reason #25 to celebrate 55 birthdays: sleep - most nights of my life I get good sleep which we know is key to good health and resetting a day of life. When I want a quick refresh - I can take a 20 min cat nap and - generally, BAM! I feel better. Yay!

Reason #24 to celebrate 55 birthdays: the pets of my lifetime that have brought me pretty faces, purrs, squeeks, more restful sleep and enviable cattitude - so far a few Guinea pigs; Rosie and Snowflake, & cats from childhood - Tina, Tabitha, Tommy, Angel, Priscilla, Judy, Spotsy, Piggy Pork, Suzie, Stanton, (and a few other kittens from Angel I cannot now remember), Maximillian, Sophie, & Stella 
& cats of my adult life - Guido Luigi, Tavala Jean, Rosie Elizabeth (Grandma's girl I adopted), Benino Ludwig, Jasper Joseph, Peter Peepers and in 2013 we added my snow monkey Armando. I must mention the hundreds of cats I adored at Nine Lives Foundation - right now I will give a shout out to Rory, my special girl and Chunk - my blood brutha of 2015 - and Smokey in FIV (I could go on).
One day - a dog or two will be added to the mix, maybe some birds.   How much joy God's creatures bring to my life experience cannot be measured.

Reason #23 to celebrate 55 birthdays: Peru has been quite nice to me too. Whats not to love about my vecinos who treat me like a queen?

Reason #22 to celebrate 55 birthdays: the sweet and spicy people sent to me from India - they have danced into my work life and then become my special keetens often I speak of here on FB. I have visited this beautiful land just 2 weeks for work, I have seen the awesome Taj but NOTHING compares to these lively, happy, smiley, hard working, family loving and joyous people. I have learned so much from the gifts sent over from India. It does not surprise me the wealth of food, films and music that has followed them.
Namaste my keetens

Reason #21 to celebrate 55 birthdays: fields of wildflowers in Mariposa, CA (with a friend emeritus who has always shown me the way)

Reasons #19 & #20 to celebrate 55 birthdays: goodly parents, we have managed to drive each other crazy, and endured well. Dad has been labeled "the man who knows everything" by his neighbor - he can fix anything or tell you how. Mom was McWhorter's "pen sales queen" but mostly - the mom most my friends want as a shared mom. This mighty combination helped me be where I am today.

Reason #18 to celebrate 55 birthdays: clouds (anytime, every time)

Reason #17 to celebrate 55 birthdays: rainbows - I love them

Reason #16 to celebrate 55 birthdays: I have turned down the "I care" knob in exchange for more "zen". Still tuning (wow and zen - nyuck nyuck) ... it feels so good.

Reason #15 to celebrate 55 birthdays: some of my friends have endured as long as me or longer - meaning they have much to celebrate too. I can celebrate with my fellow Capricorns.  wwwwwinersssss!!!

Reason #14 to celebrate 55 birthdays: and closely aligned with reason #13, I have many lessons yet to learn and challenges yet to overcome and I embrace these with open arms now.

Reason #13 to celebrate 55 birthdays: wisdom (and in my opinion, this one is worth about 30) as I look back on the lessons learned and challenges overcome as cute as I was then - nothing looks better than "smarter" feels.

Reason #12 to celebrate 55 birthdays: at 55 and unmarried, people may think something about me and there is an old word that might describe my situation - but it does not define me (and the word rhymes with shminster). I feel good about me, about my attempts to find me a forever guy (the list is long and now extinguished) and while my prospects may not be as good as they once were.... I have never given up on me.

Reason #11 to celebrate 55 birthdays: I used to be upset because people (my brother mostly) called me a spoiled brat. Now I embrace it - and it is as true as ever at 55

Reason #10 to celebrate 55 birthdays: born and bred here in Redwood City, proud of my home town and my heritage - though it has endured many growing pains, earthquakes - I plan on being part of the solution and not part of the problem. So there Redwood City!

Reason #9 to celebrate 55 birthdays: sweet young neighbor learning all the right stuff to make a lady smile thanks to mom and uncle :-)  He gave me a rose in a vase.  muchos gracias vecinos.

Reason #8 to celebrate 55 birthdays: nice people at work (ok by nice meaning just as stressed as me keeping up with who, how, what, when) wanted me to just enjoy myself on my day. And that means I'm employed and that's worth celebrating.

Reason #7 to celebrate 55 birthdays: El Nino comes to wish me a happy birthday on my birthday - isn't that the best? All the rain (and snow) we've waited for 3 years. Looks like CC and I will get a snow shoeing weekend in and Shannon and I will get a ski day (we don't ski enough). woo hoo!

Reason #6 to celebrate 55 birthdays: even with a little bit of a cold, I managed some Pilates and a nice ooooohhhmm moment

Reason #5 to celebrate 55 birthdays: my mummsie, who licked soap from my eyes in the tub as a kid, calls me to tell me " I know you're busy, but happy birthday...you we're such an easy birth... "  What a mom.  You'll all have to give me your Valium when she goes. Blessed am I, Yoda
e emoticon

Reason #4 to celebrate 55 birthdays:  decided rather late in the day to get 55 hugs....every store I have stopped in gives FREE hugs!  By 1/11 the number is 15

Reason #3 to celebrate 55 birthdays: social media, which I consider closing the door to about every other day, can be the best place to re-connect.... and here today... so many nice people reaching out with well wishing. Superficial? maybe but it still feels great.

Reason #2 to celebrate 55 birthdays: I'm younger than I'll ever be again - I'm going to live it up.

Reason #1 to celebrate 55 birthdays: the obvious one, I have 55 years to celebrate. That I know of, I have outlived a great grandmother, aunt and 2 cousins and many people who haven't gotten here.

Positively Post - 12-17-12

Another break-up, this time I probably saw it coming.

I'm having a hard time being patient with the grieving process - I used to call it spinning but apparently it is quite normal.  Cycle through denial, into bargaining, under the bridge of shock (there wasn't much of this), a quick roundabout on guilt (did I do something wrong?), several hours on the depression lagoon (I am helpless - I wont give him what he wants and he wont give me what I want).  I fear anger is looming but I haven't even let it.

I have let it lurk longer than needed - and I accept that.  If I really care about someone it wont be over quickly.  But I am learning to just let it all happen... I'm trying to be patient with me - eat well, exercise - love me.

Acknowledgements:

This was as drama free (for me) as a break-up has been.  He wants something I don't offer - the tears came and I know it has to be over - but I don't want to.

I am loving myself for trying. 

I am thankful to have found love at all.  At 51 - it would be easy to cash in and say I'm too old and undesirable.  I think I'm cuter than ever.

I tried my best.  I was charming and delightful - prayed for the guy, was good company and listened to the rants and issues.

I am thankful for work friends, train friends, Mom and Dad, brother and sister-in-law - long term friends who are there for me to listen and love me.  I am blessed.

Then of course, the Lord hears my pleas - my cries - and comforts me.  Helps me find the best information about loving me and moving on.

I will.  This was right before Christmas and that is not a great time to end something. 

Everything will be fine and tomorrow is another day, Scarlett.

Do you trust your instincts? or, paranoid much?

I've been trying to find love on the on-line dating world since about 2004 (see new blog).

At middle age, never been married - this can seem quite a task.  I am seeking men with a religious background (LDS or Mormon as you may know), not too messed up from their divorce or widower hood.  This is a narrow collection of options.  This is a freakishly crazy subset of the human race and it is not for the weak.

A recent experience had me talking, texting, e-mailing a guy who lives in another state.  We do this pretty much non stop for about 2 months...and then I visit him.

About a week later - he starts exhibiting some strange behaviors.  Avoiding me, saying he will call.  Not calling.  Leaving an e-mail that he is not avoiding me, he is focusing on his family.  Then I learn he is staying with a friend - the friend is having problems.  He is enjoying being with this friend.  Says he wants to talk to me eventually - not to jump to conclusions.  But after a week of not talking, weird e-mails and cryptic notes - I have to pay attention to this sense of paranoia I have wanted to ignore.

Instinct.  This story does not work.  This person is trying to flee me.

I know - we must let him flee.  Buy why are we here?

Euthanasia - 10/28/11

Update - August 7, 2022

Recently I have thought about Peter Peepers (the tabby in this picture) who endured more than 11 years after Benino.  Beni and Pete were constant companions.  Peter joined us 2 years after Beni and Pete has outlived Beni, Jasper and then Armando.

Peter has been demanding, insistent (like to sit on the table and claw the furniture).  Pete made it to 19 years old in late May of this year and has endured some kidney issues which have stabilized, some serious allergies and in the last 2 years, seizures.  He has some underlying issues that may be more annoying like vision and hearing loss, digestive issues (throws up or poops outside the box) and I wondered if he was happy.  I noticed his potty box habits changed, his fur was falling out at an alarming rate and that his breathing was erratic.  On Monday, July 25th, 2022 at about 2:45pm - Pete, me and his vet decided he didn't owe me another day.  19 years and 2 months were fantastic.  I chose to believe you and Benino are together again - happy and free of all that ailed you in the end.  Mommy adores you both.

Good death, so say the Greeks, is a pain free one.

Today I will lay to rest my dear Benino Ludwig (cat) after not quite 10 years together. I have enjoyed his sensitive and delicate nature. A bit moody. Loving, fuzzy - the way he does twisty stretches. Of my 3 cats - he shows a bit of remorse when he knows I'm not happy with what he does.

After 12 years of a very demanding and "fractious" boy kitty (Guido Luigi) - Beni was my treasure. So he will go in history - on my wall of fur - and be spoken of kindly...with Guido, Tavala, Rosie, Max, Suzie, Angel.... dear Benino.

Right now he sits in my lap. For the last year - I have struggled to understand all I could about urinary tract issues - bladder stones - cystitis - chronic systitis - FLUTD - and why these things may not respond to grain free food, apple cider vinegar, steroids. I avoided surgery until it is not too late. I returned from a short trip and he took a sudden turn for the worse. I collect my rationale to tell myself later in time "I did the best thing for him". Well as humans - we often dont know what that is.

I'm human and I dont know if I have done the best for him. But I have loved him. Now there is only one sure way to end his suffering....euthanasia. 3 hours away. I stroke his head and kiss him and whisper another prayer.

Dear boy - may you never have another moment of pain.... and please forgive me for making this decision...I don't know what else to do.

Love

Mom