12 Phrases To Use When Someone Is 'Talking Down' to You—and Why They Work, According to Psychologists
A woman receiving a condescending email on her phone
Nothing can squash your confidence quite like someone talking down to you.
"When someone talks down to you, they are communicating about their perceived superiority and their perception of your inferiority," says Dr. Erisa Preston, Psy.D. of Mindpath Health.
It can mess with your head—even if you had been seriously vibing hours before.
"When someone talks down to you, it can feel like they are taking away your sense of autonomy—knowing who you are and what you want, and competency—knowing what to do and how to do it," says Dr. Jan Newman, Ph.D., a psychologist and founder of Momentum Psychology. "A sense of autonomy and competency or mastery are fundamental human needs and are key to motivation."
It sounds deep. But if it also sounds relatable, you've likely experienced someone talking down to you. Perhaps it's a regular thing in the office or even with a so-called pal or family member. Rising to the occasion and responding can feel daunting but ultimately beneficial to your mental well-being.
"It is important to know how to—when safe—respond to a person who is talking down to you to assert your unique thoughts and feelings about the situation being discussed," says Dr. Marty A. Cooper, Ph.D., LMHC, NCC, a SUNY Westbury associate professor and psychologist. "This can preserve a sense of self, one’s autonomy and prevent internalizing the idea that others know better."
Ready to take back your confidence? Read on for ways to respond to condescending people.
Related: How To Stop Worrying That Someone Is Mad at You, According to a Psychologist
What Is an Example of Being Talked Down To?
Psychologists say that condescending behavior can take several forms. For example, a person may explain something you already know (sometimes referred to culturally as "mansplaining," Dr. Cooper says). Dr. Newman says a condescending person may try to tell you how to view yourself, feel or think.
"In general, these statements will include absolutes like you always, never or have to do something," Dr. Newman says.
Interrupting is another sign you're being talked down to.
"It might sound like a wife interrupting her husband’s story at a dinner party to say something like, 'What he meant to say was,'" Dr. Newman says.
A good rule of thumb: Trust your gut. "Remember, if you feel it as put down, it probably is," says Dr. Harry Cohen, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Be the Sun, Not the Salt.
Related: 11 Common Behaviors of Authentic People—and One Thing They *Never* Do, According to Therapists
How To Respond to Condescending People
1. "I have some additional thoughts."
This phrase is non-confrontational but direct. Dr. Cooper suggests giving it a try if you've been shut down—perhaps even interrupted—by a condescending person with an opposing view.
"This technique is designed to be additive to the conversation without directly challenging the other person," Dr. Cooper says.
2. "I would love to start over if you are ready to communicate like an adult."
It's saucy, but Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a Texas-based licensed psychologist, recommends using this phrase as part of a larger response.
She suggests saying, "I actually don't tolerate being spoken down to as it's disrespectful and erodes trust. I would love to start over if you are ready to communicate like an adult."
Saucy? Yes—and Dr. McGeehan cautions that it is best to only direct toward specific people.
"It is only going to work if you are in a situation where the consequences aren't going to be huge or you know the other person is capable of hearing you," Dr. McGeehan says.
It's a judgment call only you can make. But Dr. McGeehan says that—used correctly—this spicy statement is effective.
"This names the disrespectful behavior, states why you don't tolerate it and playfully invites the person to try again but in an appropriate way," Dr. McGeehan says. "You totally deflect the offensive comment and emotion being thrown your way."
3. "I notice you seem really annoyed right now....it’s making me wonder if everything is OK with you?”
Dr. Preston loves the way this response exudes grace and strength under pressure.
"You indirectly address the condescension while also modeling that when someone seems to be having an emotional moment," Dr. Preston says. "You are also flipping the attention from yourself to them and making them aware you are evaluating them."
4. "I’d like to ask you respectfully not to address me in that way. I’d prefer..."
Delivered in a calm tone, Dr. Cohen says this phrase can diplomatically—but directly—stop the disrespect ASAP while offering a concrete Rx.
5. "Let me interrupt you right there..."
Sometimes, interrupting can be a flag for condescending behavior. Other times, it's a way to put a stop to it.
"It prevents any more hurtful words from being expressed," Dr. Cohen says.
6. "I don’t allow people to speak to me like this."
Dr. Preston says this phrase is an excellent way to set a boundary. You might follow it with, "If you cannot treat me with respect, I’m going to leave this conversation and we can try again when you feel you are more capable of being respectful."
"You are directly commenting on the behavior you find unacceptable, communicating about what needs to change and indicating what will be the consequences if you do not see an immediate shift in behavior," Dr. Preston says. "The other person likely is not used to people setting boundaries and sticking to them, so it will catch their attention."
Related: The #1 Best Way To End a Card, According to Psychologists
7. "I see it another way."
If someone is talking over you and disregarding your opinion, this phrase can shift the focus of a one-sided conversation.
"This technique does challenge the other perspective without explicitly stating that you think the other person is wrong," Dr. Cooper says.
8. "I'll wait for you to rephrase that in a respectful manner."
Dr. McGeehan is a fan of this one because it sets a boundary.
"You want to make it clear that you aren't willing to be treated in that way," Dr. McGeehan says. "It also doesn't engage with the content of whatever they were throwing your way, which is fabulous because someone can't make you feel something that you don't believe."
9. "I'm not sure what you're putting down, but I'm not picking it up."
Another tongue-in-cheek phrase, Dr. McGeehan recommends only using this one in personal settings and using a playful tone. Don't worry. The person will still likely know you mean business.
"It's taking the wind out of their sails because you aren't engaging with the content of what they've said, but rather naming their behavior and stating that you won't be engaging with it," Dr. McGeehan says.
10. "Let me take a moment and rephrase what you said because I don’t believe you intended to talk down to me."
Dr. Preston says this one has short-term benefits for the condescending person and long-term benefits for your emotional well-being.
"It lets them save face for their put down but reminds them never to do it again," Dr. Preston says.
11. "So what I'm hearing is X. Did I get that?"
Dr. McGeehan suggests using this phrase with someone who you just know is trying to get a rise out of you. It allows you to side-step. For example, a boss says, "You really need to work on your leadership skills if you want to get promoted. You've got a long way to go at this rate."
You could respond with, 'It sounds like you see leadership skills as being necessary for promotion at this company. Did I get that?'" Dr. McGeehan says. "Then, I would probably ask for elaboration. It doesn't pay any mind to the disrespectful message within the message but rather focuses on the facts."
12. "Ouch! Did you realize that what you said hurt?"
Dr. Cohen loves that this phrase directly addresses hurt feelings. But the question keeps it from sounding too accusatory.
"This allows a quick amends," Dr. Cohen says.
Is It Ever OK Not To Respond to Someone Talking Down to You?
Of course. Experts share that sometimes the best response is no response—or at least a delayed one. For instance, it's best to wait if you're not emotionally regulated. Dr. Newman asks her clients to rate their stress levels on a scale of 1 to 10.
"Our anchor point is usually that anything over a six will require more regulation and coping first," Dr. Newman says. "If you’re not regulated, then the pivot is going to be to bookmark the conversation until you’re calmer."
Dr. McGeehan agrees that taking a beat and checking in with yourself is important, particularly in workplace settings.
"Excusing yourself to use the restroom or get some air will allow you to step away from the situation and ground yourself before coming back," Dr. McGeehan says.
Another time that it's best for you just to let the condescending nature fly? You're dealing with a narcissistic ex.
"In these situations, the person gets their power from any kind of response from you," Dr. McGeehan says. "Therefore, treating them as nothing more than a fly on the wall can be a very effective tool for dealing with them."
Finally, you can skip a response if it feels right to you.
"You are the gatekeeper of your peace and energy and don't owe anyone an explanation for protecting it," Dr. McGeehan says
